I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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