I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
