i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
