I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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