i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
