I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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