And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
