is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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