it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
