Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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