I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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