Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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