You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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