Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
