I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
