i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
