yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
