I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
