Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
