i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
