I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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