is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
