Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
