2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
