Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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