First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
