do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
