hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize