He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You're like the curious george of whores
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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