I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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