Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
