if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
