new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
