Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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