I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
