My underwear smells like fireworks.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
why do cheetos always look like penises
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
