Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
