My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
