dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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