Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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