I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
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You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize