If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
