i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
it was like eating out sand paper
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I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
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how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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