she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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