Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
