i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
