Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
