ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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