So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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