I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
