broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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