A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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