so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
