two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
