Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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