so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
