Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You need Xanax blowdarts
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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