i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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