Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
