It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
